ONLINE DATING PROFILES THAT ARE TOO, TOO NICE
When I first went on dating sites I actually thought that pleasant statements really meant something about the person. But after practice I learned that they had a Pollyanna view of life, or they had their profile written by a professional, or they combined all the positive traits that were listed in profiles they read!
Here are some excerpts from one man: “I'm a really easy going type of person and it doesn't take a lot of effort for me to be happy. I love the outdoors, a warm sunny day and a soft breeze against my face, that is the ultimate."
I would like to invite you to join us here at CreateNewLove.com for a wealth of services and information so that you can prepare for love.
Relationship failure is epidemic.
More than half of all marriages end in divorce. Many last, but some aren’t really happy. Many millions of members of internet dating sites are searching for the right person. Why aren’t they easily finding them?
ANNE STIRLING HASTINGS
I’m a licensed psychologist in California (psy21365) and I’ve been helping people with relationships for thirty years. During these decades I’ve mastered the five pillers of excellent relating. I’ve help people examine what is going wrong and then help them repair it.
Tip 1. Talking. With partner, or with others if not in relationship or dating. Introducing conversation will allow you to bring down the shame associated with talking about sex in an open, non-erotic way. People who have difficulty can’t talk about what they like, fear of performing, and so on. It is good to talk with others who are also learning how to talk.
You can look at things like how you get aroused, how your partner does, how you feel about orgasms, and all your attitudes that will help to have out in the open.
Talking takes off the sexual shame. It can be called embarrassment but that is just a form of shame.
Millions of people are looking for love on dating sites. What makes it hard to find a person you would want to date on these sites? How can you narrow it down, omitting those who will be a waste of time?
First of all, just have a good time! View the whole thing as a place to be curious and see what happens. If you don’t have expectations of finding someone right away, you will have more freedom to be yourself, and be choosy.
Having compassion for men who sexually scan may seem to be incompatible with our cultural shaming of men who do this. But it isn’t just an eye candy thing where they lift their energy a little for a brief period. It’s a search for something that will fill in the emptiness. It is a practice of avoidant attachers who haven’t been able to create a securely attached, ideal relationship, and so continue to feel a need they can’t meet.
This doesn’t make it a healthy use of sexual energy. It is still a violation of women who don’t want that attention. And it is also a distorted interaction with women who invite it with their clothing and flirtatious attitude. But compassion can help to understand the reasons behind it. It isn’t just “a guy thing.”
Shame, that dreadful emotion that includes feeling badly about oneself, or believing that we have been harmful, is actually a horrible obstacle to taking responsibility for what we have done and setting out to correct it.
Our culture seems to think that shaming people will actually change them. Well, it might change behavior. If someone knows that they will be the butt of shaming looks and comments they will not perform certain acts. But they haven’t actually changed.
CreateNewLove.com is for those who want to learn the skills of relationship creation before entering a relationship. And it has another purpose. That is establishing a community of people who want to be honest with each other, who don’t want to play games, act like they are someone they aren’t, and be accepted by everyone else.
Attachment theory has identified three basic kinds of attachment
Secure – this is the ideal where people remain together for life and have a supportive, well functioning relationship.
Anxious – the individuals are needy, anxious, clingy, and depend heavily on the partner.
Avoidant – Those with this kind of attachment style keep distance from the partner, and from others in his or her life.
Avoidant behaviors are on a continuum from somewhat separate from others all the way to living in isolation such as hermits. Very common in our culture are those who hold others away to a degree that allows relationship, but not to the possible level of intimate connection through life.
SIBLING RELATIONSHIPS CAN IMPACT LOVE RELATIONSHIPS, TOO.
The emotions, conflicts, and relating styles can be projected onto lovers in the same way they are from relationships with parents. This may greatly broaden your source of information.
When recovering from addiction, childhood trauma, difficult marriages, and depression, parenting has been an obvious source of understanding why we do what we do. Self help books have addressed trauma healing, addiction healing, and most aspects of a troubled life.
I hold classes to help people remove this embarrassment and shame so they can talk more openly with partners, lovers, and even friends.
I’m going to talk about it now, and I will let you know if I feel any embarrassment as I go.
The answer is: it can be a good thing, supportive of community, as long as you don’t sacrifice in order to conform. It can be harmful to you when done to avoid feelings of shame, of not fitting in, and wanting to be “good.”
Conforming to the rules or expectations of others without examining them can lead to all kinds of hidden rebellion that may violate your own values.
A big issue for couples are these arguments where the shaming goes around and around. One starts, the second responds in kind. First is one example, and then the kinds of circular arguments.
Shame and defensiveness is the cause of this kind of arguments. They go around and around, and cannot resolve the issue in front of them.